Thursday, May 14, 2009

A love song

My assertion is this: snuggies are not novelty items. They're not simply electric-blue sheets of poor quality polyester, slowly lifting the hairs on your arms with static and shame. The snuggie does not deserve your mockery, should not be characterized as simply the blanket for people who find blankets too complicated.

The snuggie is revolutionary. The snuggie is better than pants.


I am sheathed in glory. Note my legs - unencumbered. My arms - elegantly draped. Am I frail? Girthy? Pretending to be Jesus? Impossible to tell. Imagine what a snuggie-based school uniform would do for the various body issues of teen girls with the vomiting and the myspace and the whatnots. Imagine how it could bridge the divide between nations - when arms are no longer cold, perhaps hearts could follow. Imagine a world of floating blue lint.

I will give you the positives:
1. Has the ease and "one size fits all" mentality of a muumuu, yet encourages you to lead an active lifestyle of playing backgammon on the floor.

2. It's a blanket with sleeves. Sleeeeeeeves!
3. If you're cold in the feet, you can shove whatever extremities you'd like into the sleeves and still have the capacity to read magazines while clutching at bewildered and illiterate children.

The negatives:
1. It's true. Your ass is fully exposed. However, I feel this is a small sacrifice in my brave new world where man and couch are one.
2. The lint and the static, they are plentiful. They also strike most cruelly against that which the snuggie should love as a brother: microfiber.

And yet, the score is 3 to 2. The snuggie, conclusively, is better than pants.