Friday, May 21, 2010

Online dating Part II

"So have you met Mr. Right on here? Or just me hahaha"

Why would you inject your awkward nervous laugh into a WRITTEN CONVERSATION. Mother of god. These people.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Top 5 Parting Gifts Given Me by the Elderly

5. Empty cream-cheese container filled with sugar cookies.
4. Beige scarf, long sought, eventually located in plastic bag. Musty.
3. Small plastic sandwich bag of cooked noodles.
2. An exchange receipt good for $14.21 at McCaulous Department Store, which is apparently a place that exists.
1. Glass bottle, label scratched off, quarter full of herring.

A visual representation of numbers 5 and 4 and the joy they brought to my life:

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Joy Showers > Regular Showers

Unfamiliar? A joy shower consists of the following steps:

1. Get on boat.
2. Feel alive.
3. In addition, feel sticky.
4. Dive into the warm embrace of the sea.
5. Climb back on boat.
6. Lather entire body down with dish soap. Joy is the preferred brand, but any handy solvent will do.
7. Fall back into ocean to remove soap. Scrub thoroughly. Aquaint self with passing sea-life.
8. Back on the boat.
9. Grab handy water nozzle and quickly rinse off salt water.
10. Don't forget the crotch.
11. Lick arm to test for saltiness. Taste nothing but the sweet flavor of LIFE.

You may not actually be clean, no, but BY GOD you feel it.